[uhn-der thu mil-kee wey]: his was used in several TV shows, including Miami Vice (“Asian Cut,” 1989), Cold Case (“Family,” 2005), Prison Break (“Map 1213,” 2006), and Here and Now (“Yes,” 2018). It was also featured in the 2001 movie Donnie Darko.
The House That God Has Forgotten part 40: Another day in the life.
So..40 post I have written. Another milestone. Another 10 finished.
When I was on my way home from The House That God Has Forgotten yesterday I was on a high. Singing to all the songs and driving in the tunnels with my mirrored Ray Ban’s on. I felt like I could take over the world. I was filled with utter most happiness. No matter what was going on around me or my life at the time.
It’s called mania.
It is a great feeling. Eutrophic. Your problems melt away and you feel like you can take over the world. Imagine being on uppers all day…rapid speech, smiles, sex drive. It is all there. You are an animal.
Then today comes.
I wake up in the morning and tell myself that my throat is starting to hurt (even though deep down inside I know it is because I slept with my mouth open) and that I need to call in sick.
I stumble my way to the shower, I put on my uniform and get in the car. I drive to The House That God Has Forgotten and I listen to a song on the playlist that makes me form tears in my eyes.
All I want to do is stay in bed.
I walk into IPK and see my colleague I share the promenade with. I look at him and say:
“Can I do the morning? I cannot think right now.”
He doesn’t question me about it. He nods his head and lets me do what is best for me. That is a real colleague. Someone you know will have your back even though they do not know what it is for.
I sit there on the 12th floor and I stare into space. I am out of my game as move elevators and open doors. The guy next to me that flips out about lights being on and how it takes tax payers money makes me want to choke him.
I am not in the mood.
You sit there at lunch with a guy while the inmates are cleaning the cells up there and you start to talk about life. He is the first and only person, a random pratically stranger that you have known for 8 years that you tell what is on your mind.
He listens. Time runs out. You want to talk more.
You sit down on the couches on the third floor and you feel like you are going to cry. You decide that the best thing to do is log into a computer and start to write. Write in this blog, share yourself do not say too much, but at least make you that is reading bear the burden.
As you walk by a woman waves to you. She sees your face and gives you a thumbs up as in saying “Are you ok?” you bow your head down and give her a thumbs up back.
You do not want the world to see your emotions because they will explode all over the place.
This is depression.
A person sitting next to you starts talking to you. You half laugh and even though what is bothering you lingers in your mind and you want to talk about it, you keep your mouth shut.
You go to meetings. You return as nothing has ever happened.
Sure. You think about what you are going through in the back of your mind all the time, but you wish you could feel something anything.
That is the mood stabilisers working.
You in secret take one of those cards where you can talk to someone for free that you have been thinking about all day.
You get in your car and try to listen to the song that made you almost cry today as rain drops form on your windshield.
No Ray Ban’s, no singing along to the music. You just feel a place on the Earth.
You come home and you do two things: You ring that number on that little card and say:
“I need to talk to someone because I have no one to talk to”
And you ask for a time with your psychiatrist where you write:
“Personal crisis causing manic and depressive episodes.”
You hold on day by day because you never know what the next second how you will feel.
It’s called rapid cycling and it can happen for 30 seconds, 4 hours, a day, weeks or even months.
Personal stress is a major factor.
Excuse me House That God Has Forgotten.
But I am rapid cycling.