[ ahys ahys bey-bee ]: A rapper for Death Row Records, Mario “Chocolate” Johnson, claimed that he wrote part of this song and was not given credit, leading to a story that has become hip-hop lore. Label boss Suge Knight, along with Johnson and a football player for the Los Angeles Raiders, visited Vanilla Ice and convinced him to sign over the publishing rights to Death Row. It is rumoured that part of the convincing involved hanging Vanilla Ice over a balcony by his ankles, but Ice denied it, saying the story got exaggerated and that Knight was polite in his request. Knight made a lot of money from those publishing rights, which went into Death Row Records and the development of artists like Dr. Dre, Snoop Dogg, and Tupac.

The House That God Has Forgotten part 44: Towels and Slippers.

So I see it there, sitting on the desk. I did not have the energy to read it on the computer, but I was doing nothing better (ok that is a lie, I was pretending to look busy and work) so I decided to read it.

The famous monthly letter.

This month it was LONG. I learned to skim through it, but like I said…I had nothing else better to do.

We have fought positive feedback on the “Keeping perspective” something my colleague highlighted neatly on the letter:

“This is my favourite part. What ever happened to this?”

My personal favourite was the part about food. A sort of quote:

“Eating of inmates food, butter and cheese is forbidden. This I am putting my foot down about!”

Don’t eat the food. Ok..I have no inmates to eat food from, but the putting down of the foot made me smile. I like it when people put their feet down about things.

“There has to be a big group of people that whisper to the warden” my colleague said to me.

Yeah probably. Otherwise how would she suspect that people are eating food. (Something I never understood really because all of that unused food must go somewhere and it sure is hell is not going to a homeless shelter). Or maybe the kitchen is so good at planning exact portion that there never is a bit of food left over. Who knows. Perhaps they have it down to some large kitchen miracle that no one knows about.

Have ice in your stomach Calandra, the best is yet to come.

I get finished reading the letter, which I honestly lost interest in after the food part, and checked my mail.

“As kriminalvårdsinspector  towels that are wet are not allowed to be put in the wash. To receive a new towel, said inmate must leave in a dry towel. Wash is charged by the kilogram and this can help with economic savings” (quoted sort of)

Then the next one:

“As kriminalvårdsinspector sandals and shoes are not to be ordered from the storage department. Instead there are bins that are filled in order of shoe sizes located on the 5th floor for use. We will wash and repair shoes in order to help with economic savings” (quoted sort of)

Someone looked over and said: “You can soon kiss those free fruit goodbye!”

Once upon a time we did not have to pay for salt. The kitchen would give it to us for free. Now due to economic cutbacks we do not see the salt anymore.

Yes, we are loosing salt. Chasing after dry towels and dirty sandals and probably losing fruit. Take away the disgusting coffee and Friday’s fika and there will be a revolt on your hands. Those cartons of milk we get on Friday are like the holy grail.

Though I can remember hearing my boss say: “Is there someone here that is lactose intolerant? We can save money if we get regular milk.”

Keep the ice in your stomach. We still get a Christmas table. December 11th if you want to mark the date in your calendar.  (I apparently remember that too)

The guy that plays the guitar finally lost his job. If you are wondering how much he got paid by the way, look it up. It was a hell of a lot more than you do.

Oh and I forgot there will be a Lucia train. The inmates like that. That made me smile. The thought of a bunch of hardened criminals listening to a little train of people singing about St. Lucia made me smile also. It is a funny picture I think.

The House That God Has Forgotten has some funny ideas about things sometimes.

If you are worried about how much you will be getting paid next year, don’t sweat it. You will not be getting much. We have to save on salt and towels. We have no money for you either.

Use that 500kr extra and buy yourself a couple of pizzas every month. You deserve it. You have worked hard this year!

I think we could save a lot of money by not bothering to send that Omkrim magazine all of the time. Who in the hell reads this? Mine goes straight in the recycling bin.

We could stop giving inmates new televisions. We could take away televisions all together and instead give them books to read. Open their minds and let them learn for a change. They waste too much time watching shit on the television, and they in some cases have more channels than we do.

We could make everyone work. Everyone could have a job. We could make them sit in their cells and make cat toys all day. Ok maybe not. They might find some way to use those to do something bad with. Scratch that, bad idea.

We could do a million things, I am sure you have some ideas while you are reading this.

Keep the ice in your stomach. It’s all cool. Nothing is going to change. Inmates will still get new towels and I hope they do! It is a major way of them saying “fuck you!” to the man. I don’t see you standing there with rubber gloves by the dirty clothes and feeling all the towels to see if they are dry. If you do, you are an idiot. Go and find something useful to do with your time.

I often wonder why I am here at The House That God Has Forgotten, but then when I read things about food, no free salt, keep the perspective and how we need to have dry towels and washed slippers I smile.

Wasn’t the whole point of our job to watch inmates? It is so that in many countries (mine included) budget cutbacks had something to do with making things harder for “them” than for “us”.

I am all for “breaking the evil circle” it is great when you get someone to a straight life. It is a wonderful feeling (That I will have to get into another time, right now I am bitching about the budget), but really? Really?

I can’t help but stay on this ship…just to see what happens next. I almost get pleasure watching the new and “out of the box” thinking leadership will have to save money. (Towels and shoes are genius).

Though when people ask me, “What is your dream job in kriminalvården?” I always say..

“I want to be a reporter for OmKrim magazine. I want to have my own little place where I can write each month. Kind of like “Nära Nils” but instead “Calandra’s Corner”. I don’t think they will allow that though.

I too can write propaganda!

“The House That God Has Forgotten has innovated and exciting ideas to cut the budget and save money for the department of corrections.”

Sometimes dreams are made to be broken.

 

 

 

 

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s