[krimuh-nl]: This was Fiona’s first single and her only Top 40 hit. She stayed away from trends, which kept her away from the pop charts but earned her a devoted following.

The House That God Has Forgotten Part 53: The conversation.

Today was the big conversation, investigation or whatever you would like to call it. Aproximentaly 17 minutes of discussions about reports and things (mostly stuff I cannot take up in this forum because of security reasons), but well… it all feels like a blur.

People ask me “How did it go today?” and it seems like I stutter over the words to have an answer to it all. Things were discussed. The person I went in there with said it went well, but for me the details seem like a blurry haze.

I wish I could tell you more. That I won, that I lost. I think I won…they did honestly have not to much to go against.

It was not like two people there with a spotlight in my face “Where were you the night of…”

Still, it is never fun to be sucked into a sort of conversation. Especially about something that seems like nothing that is a big deal (I mean I am human… we all make mistakes), but it hurts a little that just myself has had to sit through one of those.

I cannot look at bosses in their face anymore because I feel like they just are waiting for me to fail. They all in their meetings have discussed this, and they all know what I am going through. It takes a lot of energy to pretend that everything is fine, but when you have problems with paranoia (like I do) it makes it 100 times worse.

I guess what I am saying is that hopefully, it went well. My trust for bosses in The House That God Has Forgotten has gone down to zero. I feel like they are a bit of a letdown.

Today I found out that another colleague is leaving The House That God Has Forgotten. They bothered to not tell him when he was beginning at his new job…they just wrote it in the weekly newsletter without knowing.

And they wonder why people do not want to stay here. It seems like “keeping the perspective” is getting turned up on its ears.

I have never understood what it means “keeping the perspective” I just go along with it and use it when people get:

  1. Treated like shit.
  2. People quit.

Apparently, that seems to sum it up pretty well because no one ever looks at me like I am crazy when I say; “whatever happened to keep the perspective”?. No one looks at me like I am crazy or anything.

Even if this all goes under the bridge and nothing happens of it, I am still going to look for a new job. I am going nowhere, feel tired of sitting in security checks all day, or moving elevators up and down. There has to be something more stimulating than just waiting and wondering if some visitor tries to come in with a mobile phone.

Sure I can think of a lot of pluses. Extra vacation when you turn 40. Medicine paid for. Doctors visit when you are supposed to work. But I have to drive all over town to get to The House That God Has Forgotten and it just not worth it to go into 50 discussions every other year with the bosses about this and that.

It does make me a bit nervous because who in the hell can I have of these people as a reference? I trust no one of my bosses. Not a single one as I have said before. They might take up my illness (which is something this time I am not going to be open with).

Now they are saying that they are actively recruiting substitutes to come in and work at The House That God Has forgotten. A new line of fresh meat, confused faces and the thoughts of “where did they find this 20-year-old?”¬† Most of them will be faces to me. Bodies on another side of a camera (though we will get our share too), it is like the summer all over again.

New people to train. Our job is expendable and those people that left will be a “remember when”. Even the people that left recently are being forgotten because so many more are leaving.

It is hard to say you miss the people you have worked with because those people you have worked with have been replaced a long time ago. Now it is new people that you did not even have the chance to miss that are gone.

I dream of a mass exodus from where I work now, just to show how much it sucks to be there (and honestly it is the best job in the jail).

I watched them today at intake and thought to myself “I do not miss this running around at all” and that is very true. Watching them run back and forth and stressing over things is something that I am glad I left behind, but me looking through an x-ray machine to see what you are having for lunch is not so exciting either.

So I complain a lot. I complain like an old lady being stuck in a home by their family that does not have the energy to take care of them anymore. I complain about the little things.

One thing that makes me wonder is “How on Earth you people on the floors manage it?” you are worth so much more than you give yourself credit for. You should be looking for a new job as well! You deserve to be appreciated.

No one is ever going to say “They were great at getting people to the shower fast” “They were awesome at dealing out 24 cardboard boxes for lunch!” No one. Not a single person.

I did, however, hear that a boss was out on their floor dealing out food today! What a tiny victory for the little man! Now I am just waiting for my boss to stand there and check phones and watch what you are eating every day.

We are so easily bought, Give us some baked goods and hand out food and you have a heart of gold! Which is sad… we should expect more from them, honestly,

I woke up this morning way too early and with a clump in my stomach. Not because I had my “hearing” today, but more because the weekend was over (they go by so quickly), but because I have to go back there again.

Back to The House That God Has Forgotten. A place where I am expendable and not worth shit for the work I do, Just wait…new faces will come to fill everyone’s place and it will be the same old thing.

Over and over again.

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