[juhmp]: ¬†Their first release, “Jump,” penned by Dupri, was Kris Kross’ first and most successful song, topping the Hot 100 for eight weeks and selling four million copies. It was the fastest-selling single the US had seen for 15 years and also reached #1 on the charts in Australia and New Zealand, and #2 in the United Kingdom.

The House That God Has Forgotten part 54: Am I just tired?

So my day has been pretty uneventful, but I figured I would write a post here. Right now I am sitting on the sofa/bed and writing with the Google chrome cast screen savers on in the background. Various art and photos from Google Earth and NASA light up the screen. It is almost 21. Time for bed soon.

Yes. go to bed at 21. I am old and I value my sleep. The best feeling in the world for me is to crawl under that blanket and lie down on the cool sheets below. It is pure heaven. It is my happy time.

So today I applied for jobs. Jobs in anything. One at the American Embassy, one at the Danish Embassy…ones here and there. I wish I was a tech at the jail (there are tons of jobs waiting for you if you decide to quit), or had some other skill. I have spent my whole adult life working in security (ask me if you want to read my CV) and well… I have a niche that makes it harder for me to find a job.

Shift work, long hours and the big question; “How will this work with my daughter?” I do not see how full-time parents can even manage to have a job if they are alone all the time rasing it.

Perhaps that is why The House That God Has Forgotten is such a black hole. You have no other place to go.

At this moment I am about to kill our dog because he cannot decide where he wants to lie down and keeps unplugging my charger from my Mac (free advertisement). I am listening to a brilliantly named playlist I have titled “music” my creativeness expands all boundaries lately!

So what has been happening lately? Nothing much to report really. I got a smart comment from a colleague because I was all anal about there being one educated person in Xray down at security checks. It is easy for everyone to be a critic when you are the ONE in the whole group that is under investigation. Everything has to be by the book in my world.

I cannot afford to be caught with my pants down ever again. My job is not even fun anymore. I do not laugh, Ido not think anything is funny. I just look at the clock and long to sit in traffic when I have my daughter, or hurry home to get as far away as I can. I come in at the last second.

The House That God Has Forgotten has sucked the fun out of me.

If you are wondering the status on my investigation, you know just as much as I do. I have no idea what is going on. I would not be surprised that they would announce it in the weekly e-mail (that is what my boss does. Tell us news there about us that we have no idea about.) Anyway, I am supposed to get some protocol that I am supposed to read and sign. That will take a few days for me to go over and have my person look over so count on me being suspended at the least through next week.

I do not care if it takes all year to be honest.

Everyone thinks I am afraid of sitting in the control room now, but that is not the case. I figure I will just sit on the 3rd floor and rot away and be soulless. Life is easier watching what you eat for lunch and checking lawyers as they carry their papers to meet their clients than it is to sit there and actually have to use my brain.

I sit there and look at the lawyers and I think about their clothes. “How much did that suit cost?” “I wonder how much money he makes?” “Why are they never any women lawyers?” “Why does his hair look like that?”.

I watch visitors look confused and not understand the concept; “This is just like the airport. Take everything off!” over and over again.

I also never understand why people come into the jail and leave cash to their family members and friends when they can send it via the bank and not have to come in and bother me.

I look at DN from 2 days ago and it all seems like new news. My colleagues know everything that is happening in the world, but since Donald Trump became president I lost interest. I just do not care about the news.

It was interesting to read about the riots in Chile. I skipped over the two-page article about electric cars.

When I woke up this morning I started wishing I was sick again. Which is a bad sign? Yeah, I think so… It’s not good to start thinking that way every morning before you go to work. I think even if I had another job I would not want to go to work either. I am just glad I have a vacation next week. Then I do not have to see The House That God Has Forgotten for 5 days in a row!

This big question is… am I burnt out, or am I just tired? I do not know the answer to that anymore. Maybe it is my illness…maybe I am in a depression.

You see I cannot feel that I am in a depression, or that I am manic. My humour stabilizers work so that I am numb, So if I am sad I do not know it for real. If I am happy I do not know it anymore. I just am.

Sure I can laugh and smile, but I have to work hard at it. Nothing is super funny. Nothing is super sad, everything is…it just is.

Sometimes it sucks to feel this way, sometimes it is not so fun. BUT if I am depressed it is best I am depressed like this so I do not get all suicidal or just cut myself off from the world totally.

Ok…I already cut myself off. I have like 2 or 3 friends and one of them is my wife. I never go out, I never do anything. My hobby is writing. I enjoy watching my cat stare at the fish tank, I hate cleaning out litter boxes and hanging up laundry. I apparently like Chrome screensavers and I have playlists on Spotify that are called “music”.

So this is the big news right now. Nothing. Nada. Everything is a blank, and tomorrow when I wake up (and you will probably read this on the bus or train) I will be silently wishing I was sick while driving in my car while driving to The House That God Has Forgotten.

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