It’s so hard to say goodbye to yesterday

[its soh hahrd too sey goo d-bahy too yes-ter-dey]: In America, this is the second-biggest a cappella hit of all-time, behind Bobby McFerrin’s 1988 #1, Don’t Worry Be Happy.” According to the group, they had to push Motown to release the song as a single because the label didn’t think radio stations would play it.

 

You are probably reading this and thinking I am going to write about a funeral. I have some great funeral stories. People really losing it at the service, and ones where I completely lost it at the service.  You never know how you are going to act when you see that coffin or box of ashes in front of you.

Yesterday was this big holiday in Sweden. People go to the graves to their loved ones and leave candles and flowers there. They miss and they reflect, they think about how many conversations they had together, and how much they long to have had more with them again.

My story is not about how I went to a grave last night, or how I lit a candle for someone I love that I have lost, but more about how I act when I leave people.

I used to have no problem leaving. Relationships in high school that I cannot even remember how I broke them off or why. I remember dating a really nice guy in High School, he played football for his school (American football) and he was well, nice. I don’t remember how I broke up with him, but I did not have a problem with it.

I dated a guy through High School that ended up going to the Naval Academy. We used to write letters to each other. We stayed in touch for a while. He wanted to see me when he came home for a break. I blew him off.

When I left home to go to university at 17, I was bound and determined to leave. I did not have a party, and I did not make a big farewell. I just got in my car and left, never looking back. Determined to never live there again. (which I succeeded at).

When I was at university, I met and dated a lot of boys. One I remember the most was Dan. He played baseball and was a year ahead of me. He was cute and very sweet. I lost my virginity to him in the front of his truck on the side of the road.

I lied and said I had done it before. He was sweet because the next day he asked me “Are you ok? I found some blood in my underwear.”

We dated for a few weeks. I think it was 3 or so when he told me he loved me. The only thing I could think to do was tell him; “It’s over Dan”. (Which was not such a popular decision, but that is a story for another time)

I became the expert of drunken one night stands. Then I would run out the door because I did not want to stay and cuddle. I was finished with them.

I started realizing things after Dan. I refused to have sex with nice guys anymore. If I dated someone, I never had sex with them, and when they got feelings for me…I would dump them.

I did that once to a guy I met in a bar by where my roommate came from (which was a very little town in Texas) I forget his name, but he had this little dot on his head (I mean where is hair is) which was white. He never knew why it was that way. He went off to join the Air Force I think. He wanted to stay in touch, but I blew him off and never contacted him again.

When I turned 18, I signed up to join the Army after my semester was over at university. I left all of my friends behind, all of the good memories, and the scholarship offers without feeling remorse or looking behind me.

I joined the Army and did not have time to say good-bye to anyone while I was in training. All I could do was go through doing 5000 pushups and carrying an M16 rifle everywhere.

Then before I ran away to Japan for two years; I had a friend that I had exchanged letters with since I was 13. I left and never said good-bye to her, and I don’t think she has ever forgiven me for that.

I ran away to Japan and I ran away from the world. I spent my time at work and in the gym, and a little bit, ok a bit at the bar. I met a lot of guys there, but the base was small so it happened once.

My weakness was Marines, and they were everywhere. I never had sex with them, but I dated a few. The one guy I had sex with lived in the room next to me. I found out shortly after he said that having sex with me was like “fucking a dead fish, but she could suck the chrome off of a tailpipe.”

That was the last time I had sex with anyone there, my self-esteem was a little bruised.

When I got stationed in Texas, I had sex with a guy in the Army band. I don’t remember how he looked, but judging by the fact he was in a marching band I am pretty sure he was not the coolest guy in the world.

I dated a very nice looking officer who met me at the store. I said good-bye to him because he was an officer. He was nice, but I had no remorse.

When I met my ex-husband I should have known that the relationship was doomed. We had sex because our roommates had sex and we had nowhere else to go. That is another story for another time. But like I said, it was a disaster.

I said good-bye to him with relief in my mind, but I also was a lesbian. Moving to Germany seemed like a good option. I left him everything but my truck.

Germany was hell (another story), but I only had sex with one person. I moved to Sweden to be with her. We actually had a relationship, times had changed.

When I started dating/marrying women it became harder to say good-bye. I used to be the one that got told good-bye to, but the few times I said good-bye I was the one blocking the phone numbers and ingoring them.

I got dumped for a lot of reasons; Distance, meeting someone new, cheating on me, and even taking off to police school in another city.

One of the things I realized was some people were proud of me, and others embarrassed. Nothing hurts like someone being embarrassed about you. It makes you question who you are and if you are good enough.

Paybacks are a bitch.

Now I have a hard time saying goodbye. My daughter when she leaves for the week, even though I know she is coming back. I get lonely when my wife leaves for four days to go to Spain.

I have become everything I thought I never would be. You can blame it on that I have been gay the whole time and leaving guys was never a problem, but so have friends never been a problem, family either.

Now as it almost is dark outside, I have taken my wife to the Airport and she is on a plane. Her sons have left just a couple of minutes ago. 5 has become 2. The dog is away. Now it is me and my daughter here. I am listening to my phone on low volume while the sounds of som children’s  YouTube video plays on high volume in the room.

This is like the good old days. Her and I together, alone. But as I sit here and write this I dream of being on a plane to Spain in the sunshine. And on Wednesday 2 will become 1. Then it will be hard to say goodbye to yesterday.

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