[out–sahyd]: The song is about addiction, and the effects withdrawal can have on a weak individual. Lewis sings through the eyes of a person who is contemplating a relapse.
The desert sky started to change. The sun that was shining brightly in the sky had started to turn into shades of pink and purple. Saguaro cacti stood out of the ground like the devils’ pitchforks. It was that hot there, it could maybe have just been true.
They sat on top of the roof. The flat surface over the patio. Backs propped against the triangular angle and legs spread flat. It was lounge chairs that were closer to the sky they used to say laughing to each other when they would climb up the aluminium ladder to reach their oasis.
Here they were queens ruling their hidden and secret world.
Cold beers in their hands. Heineken in its green bottles that slowly beaded with sweat from the heat. They never stayed cold long enough, it was too hot. In a short amount of time, lukewarm beer would be flowing down their throats.
Not much relief from the heat, but the way it made them feel was all worth it.
There they sat. The two blonde girls. One with thick hair that would have strands of hair fall between her fingers, and the other with paper-thin hair. Hair that looked like a sheet of silk. Straight. Something the girl with the thick hair dreamed about, straight hair. As the silky thin like girl dreamed of having thick hair.
No one is ever satisfied with what God has given them.
“Do you believe in angels?” said the thin-haired girl.
“I guess. I feel sometimes like I am not alone. I think it is the only thing that keeps me alive. So someone must be out there looking after me.”
“If I ever die before you, I am going to watch after you.” Said the thin-haired girl with a serious look in her eyes.
The thick-haired girl bowed her head down. Too shy to look her in the eyes.
“You never know. I could die before you.” The thick hair girl replied. “I don’t know if I would ever be an angel. I guess that depends on how you die.”
The thick-haired girl began to ponder in her head; “Does suicide count as something that lets you be an angel?”
The thick head girl was on a slippery path. Tempting fate and dreaming of dying. She would sit in her room and read tales of poetry from poets that had killed themselves. She wanted to be them. That was what she was looking for.
“Should I rent a garage and turn the engine on while taking some pills?”
“Should I just take pills?”
She could never hang herself, and thought of using her father’s shotgun just seemed rude to leave that mess behind.
She was alive because she could not decide how to do it. Maybe that was the angel watching over her, or maybe it was lack of decision-making skills. She was still alive.
“I am still alive.” She thought to herself.
“Thank you.” The thick hair girl eventually replying to what she said.
That sat there silently looking at the sky as night began to fall. The lights of the neighbourhood began to flutter like the missing stars that could not be seen from the city.
“Big dipper here. Little dipper over there.” is the father pointing at the lights in the sky to his little son. This is the image the thick-haired girl had in her mind as she looked into the slowly darkening sky.
“I wonder what she is thinking about…” wondered the thin-haired girl as she sat there with her small legs crossed next to her. She looked over at her and thought about the same thing like a broken record;
“I am going to be your angel someday. I am going to be your angel.”
As the night grew deeper they slowly made their way down the ladder to the back patio of the thick-haired girl. The swimming pool was lit and looked like an alien hovercraft lifting from the sky. The slight flutter of the pools filter running in the background the thin-haired girl took a glance at her again.
“Why don’t you ever look at me when I look at you?” she asked with an inquisitive tone.
“Because you scare me,” she said while this time looking at the thin-haired girl straight in the eyes.
“Why do I scare you?” she asked.
“Because I cannot have the luxury of having someone loving me.” the thick-hair girl replied while looking away. “I don’t want you to die before me. I don’t want you to be my angel.”
“Promise me one thing, and it is all I will ever ask you. Don’t ever do drugs. The way you see the world is beautiful, and I never want it to change.”
The thick-haired girl nodded her head. “I swear,” she said looking her dead in the thin-haired girls’ eyes.
Time flew as they sat by the swimming pool. The nights disappeared quickly, the weeks and months started to fly by, and the next thing you know they had slipped away like water draining out of a steel pipe.
The thick-haired girl watched the thin-haired girl from a distance. They could be in the same room and not say a word to each other. Not because they had their own language, but because the thin-haired girl had pushed her away.
The thick-haired girl left her. Boundaries could not stop her. She was leaving the purple sky and the devils pitchforks and never looking back. She would run to another desert, to the forest, to the other side of the planet to getaway. Never looking back.
She saw things she never thought she would see with her young eyes. Things that made the world a little smaller. She became fearless of crossing boundaries and less afraid of the end. She would never look to see if cars were driving down the road as she crossed the street, she would fight the biggest man in the room, and she used her body as a weapon, not caring what happened to her.
The thin-haired girl stayed behind. She found her own ways to escape the boundaries that surrounded her. She fell in love with something that she could never stop loving. It became her true love, and it seemed more and more as her days grew darker…that she was going to end up being the thick-haired girls’ possible angel.
They crossed paths one week. The thick-haired girl came back to the desert from the other side of the world to peek her head in and realise that she did not belong there for good.
She went to go see the thin-haired girl in a house on the other side of the city. The thin-haired girl looked distraught as she walked into the house. Sitting on the floor with the phone handle firmly attached to her ear and her fingers twirling the cord. The phone was this ugly beige colour that was popular in the sixties and seventies.
“Hello,” the thin-haired girl’s roommate said to her as she walked into the door. They small talked for a little until tears started to run down the eyes of the thin-haired girl.
She took the phone away and placed her ear on the receiver while standing fists tightening and body getting stiffer.
There was silence on the other side of the line.
“If you bother her again,” the thick hair girl started to say as she paced around the room pulling the telephone cord as long as it could reach. “I swear to God I will find you, hunt you down and cut your balls off and wear them as a necklace”
Silence filled the room as the thin-haired girl looked at the thick-haired girl.
“You are my hero,” she said while looking deep into the thick-haired girl’s eyes. The thick-haired girl turned away.
“You know she loves you,” the roommate said when the thin-haired girl left the room.
“I know.” the thick-haired girl replied.
“No. She is in love with you,” they said.
Then thick-haired girl did not know what to think. The only thing she knew was that no matter how much the thin-haired girl was in love with her, she was already gone. Given away to something else.
“I can never be with you because of what you have done.” thought the thick-haired girl.
No matter how hard she would try, the thick-haired girl knew she belonged to someone else, even then.
“Love me! Love me!” she would yell without saying a word that week.
The letter would come in from the thin-haired girl from the other side of the world and the thick-haired girl came to accept that she was in love too, but it could never be.
More time went by and the thin-hair girl had a new romance started. This time it was the silver needle that would dig deep into her veins. She started to forget the other loves in her life, and finally became true to her love that she could not live without.
The thick-haired girl watched her from a distance and wanted to take her away. She wanted the girl back on the roof. She wanted to be the angel.
The thin-hair girl’s secret came out. Everyone close to her knew and they tried to get her help. The thick-haired girl always would find her in a crisis and could feel when she was needed.
This time she would have to do it on her own. The thick-head girl could not protect her like she did on the other side of a telephone line.
One day the thick-haired girl had something to tell her. She had found love. The only thing the thin-haired girl could say on the other side of the telephone line with tears in her eyes was “I was supposed to be your first”.
Little did she know she was and had been for a long time.
The thick-haired girl ran away for one last time and this time she never looked back. She left everything behind and started over in a land far, far away from the cacti from the roof in the desert. This time it was for good.
They stayed in touch with sporadically. An e-mail here and there.
“Don’t tell anyone I am secretly taking methadone.”
“I cannot remember things anymore.”
She kept forgetting her passwords and things so it was harder to stay in touch.
When the thick-haired girl finally met all of her demons she had been avoiding with ease it was the thin-haired girl, even as lost as she was the person that pushed her the most to believe in herself, but the thick-haired girl wrote her off this time and fell in love with something that was as bad as the needle.
It was herself. The urge to kill herself got stronger. She would stand by the train tracks and fantasize about throwing herself in front of one. She would put bags over her head and lay on the floor after binging on a fifth of vodka.
Yes, she had a new love, and the thin-haired girl had her long lover as well.
When the thick-haired girl fell out of loved she looked for the thin-haired girl again. The last thing she ever wrote was “I may not remember much, but I remember every moment with you,”
The thick-haired girl who thought that time would go on forever like the night on the rooftop waited to answer and tell her how to she felt. She had finally the courage to tell her everything, how she loved her, how she wanted to help her fall out of love with her lover she had had for so many years.
When she finally started to write something a couple of days later she got a reply from a stranger. The thin-haired girl was gone. That girl she knew on the rooftop, that she would be the one to go first, and that she is perhaps watching her from afar.
Sometimes the thick-haired girl thinks of her out of the blue and looks down at the inside of her lower left arm. The date that the thin-haired girl left farther away than the thick-haired girl ever could.
When she looks at the city lights she thinks of that night with the lights that looked like stars, and how she wishes she would have looked the thin-haired girl in the eyes and said “I believe you. I believe you.”