[luhv sahyn]: The song was released as a promotional single and therefore was not allowed to chart on the U.S. Billboard Hot 100 or any other main U.S. charts (promotional singles were not allowed to chart until late 1998, when Billboard changed its chart rules to include promotional/radio-only singles). It was a moderate success in the Urban/Rhythmic market, making the top 40 of the R&B Airplay and Rhythmic Top 40 charts. It was a minor success on the main U.S. airplay chart, debuting and peaking at number 72 on the Hot 100 Airplay chart for one week.
The House God Has Forgotten part 88: The once brave soldier.
So I am sitting here on the sofa. The usual blanket over my legs and candles lit to give me a little light in the grey sky that covers us constantly.
The cold coffee that I drank down with gusto and the dog laying between my legs to keep me even warmer, but not too hot.
The temperature fits nice. Except in my feet, they are a little cold in this apartment.
Tomorrow is my telephone call with the physiatrist. I do not know what to say.
I have not been resting too much. I have concluded with all the time here at home that I worry too much (I worry about something every day).
I do not worry that the world is going to end, or that itis going to be a major disaster. I worry about the little things.
I worry about what the doctor is going to ask me.
I worry about coffee with my boss (I will get to that later).
I worry about what my ex thinks.
Simply put these are the small things that happen every day. I am wound up like a ball made of rubber bands.
I wish I would stop bouncing everywhere.
I wake up every night in the middle of the night and go up and roam. Sometimes I have a bowl of cereal. Sometimes I look at the alarm clock and see the time and try to go back to sleep.
“It is too early…you have to fall back to sleep again!” rumbles through my brain.
I can’t stay at home forever. Eventually, I have to bite the bullet and go back to the building with the glass doors.
I have to eventually go back to the grind.
Just right now I do not feel like it.
I lack the energy for it.
My wife tells me all the time to relax, but I do not. I can’t. I run from here to there like a chicken with its head cut off.
Doing this, doing that. There is always stuff that needs to be done.
I had my coffee with my boss. It was like any coffee you have except is was a monologue on my part. I asked very few questions, they asked very questions.
It was just me throwing up how I feel. Babbling about stress and worry.
“I stress all the time,” I said
“I think I need to see a phycologist because I cannot handle it well.”
They agreed and thought that it was a good idea if I needed it.
I think I need it. I need it.
I felt the need to explain myself. It’s not the stress of doing the job, it is everything around it.
The people. The drama. The bullshit. The hard climate.
Let’s talk about the climate at The House God Has Forgotten. To me it feels like this:
Look I know it is a hard job. Underpaid. Under appreciated. Dealing with hardened inmates that do not give a shit about us. The constant drama between us because we spend countless hours together.
I do not say I am perfect, but I want to change. I want to change. I want things to be different.
Now being at home and listening to how my wife and how she talks with her colleagues it is like night and day. It makes me want to stop.
It makes me want things to be different.
I felt extreme pressure because I had to report someone. BUT I HAD to do it. There was no way I could have that thought in my mind and let it go.
Like I said before, I am not going to go into details, I just want to share the experience of the whole thing.
You feel like a traitor. That everyone is worried about how to be around you (Even though I had the full support of everyone I worked with).
I went around stressing about it for weeks. Waiting until they found out what had happened. Now the consequences when I come back I will have to deal with.
The backlash. The bullshit.
I didn’t tell my boss all of this about the backlash. (They already know)
I asked if when I have a new boss in February that maybe it is a good idea I go and talk to them and explain my illness. It is always a good thing to do. To explain when things get to be too much for me. When there are those days when I cannot come to work.
The words echoed across the table during our coffee.
“I should have called in sick on my last day. It was a bad day. I should have called in sick.”
They agreed I think.
“I noticed that last week you were not okay,” they said
I wonder to myself in retrospect…
“Why didn’t you say anything?”
I don’t know how I feel until it is too late. I never know until it is too late.
I talked about this blog.
How I can be positive and negative. I just write what I feel. I am critical.
It is hard not to be. There are so many thoughts that run through my head when I see, hear and read. Things are backwards. They are easy to be critical about.
I talked about options about seeing the phycologist.
“If it takes too long with my doctor can I start doing it through Previa?”
“Of course. They do an evaluation and then see if you need to see one.”
I will of course get one because of my illness.
“Do they have conventionality” (I do not want my business going back to my job)
“Of course they do.”
All and all the fika went well. Nothing to worry about, but I did.
Oh! I did.
For days. Chest pains. Tension.
Just like I do talking to my doctor on the phone tomorrow.
It never stops. It never ends.
In the end, it will give me a heart attack. You will find me on the floor somewhere in The House God Has Forgotten twitching and shaking with foam coming out of my mouth.
Now I will go around thinking a little more about the phonecall tomorrow at 0930.
Sometimes itis hard for me to believe I was a soldier for five years afraid of nothing, but now I am a coward afraid of everything.
1 kap. Yttrandefriheten enligt denna grundlag
Syfte och grunder
1 § Var och en är gentemot det allmänna tillförsäkrad rätt enligt denna grundlag att i ljudradio, tv och vissa liknande överföringar, offentliga uppspelningar ur en databas samt filmer, videogram, ljudupptagningar och andra tekniska upptagningar offentligen uttrycka tankar, åsikter och känslor och i övrigt lämna uppgifter i vilket ämne som helst.
Yttrandefriheten enligt denna grundlag har till ändamål att säkra ett fritt meningsutbyte, en fri och allsidig upplysning och ett fritt konstnärligt skapande. I den får inga andra begränsningar göras än de som följer av denna grundlag. Lag (2018:1802).